So you want your trans friends to be comfortable at SCA events... (Part 2)

In light of recent events, it seemed helpful to add a small addition to this continuing series. 

Much of what I'm going to say here applies to other persecuted minorities as well, though I'm only speaking from my experience.



1. Listen to, trust, and believe them.

This seems easy and straight-forward, but it isn't. If your friend tells you about some aspect of their experience or some fear that they have, trust that they know better than you. Despite the troubling statistics around trans lives, it's still common for people who don't live with it to think "This could never happen to Soandso in Suchandsuch town or community." or "Restroom bills would never happen here, and even if they did they're really more of an inconvenience than anything." Don't do that. Trust us. We know what we're talking about.

For more concrete advice: 

Phrases that are rarely helpful - "I'm sure it won't be that bad." "You'll be okay." etc. Anything that dismisses or minimizes very real concerns, even if you're trying to be soothing.

Phrases that ARE helpful - "You have my support." "I'm with you." "What can I do to help?"

2. Travel with them.

SCA events are scattered all over the country, and even if the person feels safe at events or around their home region, long distance travel takes you through a number of places that might not be so safe, particularly with the recent spike in hate crimes across the country. Car pool, caravan, whatever you need to to make sure that there is someone with them during that mid-drive stopover in unfamiliar and possibly unfriendly territory.

3. Educate and build bridges.

Please don't let things slide. Call out cissexist language when you hear it.* Correct folks who are misunderstanding trans issues. And when you can, do it with patience and in ways that will help people listen and learn. There is a place for anger, but there's a very important and large middle ground between "getting angry" and "letting things slide" that isn't as often addressed. This will be uncomfortable. Maybe you'll be interrupting a joke or a story to correct someone on these issues when you're all otherwise having a good time, but it has to happen, and it's much easier for you than for the trans people around you. (And before you think "Oh, but this isn't a place for that," look over at your trans friend who doesn't get to make the choice about when and where they deal with microaggressions, and consider who you're trying to make comfortable.)

* Examples of cissexist language: equating gender and genitalia (this happens constantly), stating that there are only two genders, treating biological gender as in some way a real or more clear/binary thing than gender identity (it's not). This is a complicated subject, and education should apply to yourself, as well.

4. Don't out anyone without their permission.

This always bears repeating. But I'll add that some people might be comfortable being out in certain circumstances and not others. Perhaps when they're traveling they want to keep a lower profile, or simply right now due to current events they're going to be a little less vocal. Support whatever they need to do to feel safe and comfortable, and don't compromise that. Check in and be sure. (For what it's worth, there are no changes for me. I'm out as trans everywhere and don't see that changing any time soon.)

5. Continue trying to make the world a better place.

We can all do better and be better, and do what we can to make the world better, too. Maybe for you that means donating to charities, getting involved in causes, or simply doing everything you can to take care of your community. Whatever it is, thank you. We're in a better place now than we were decades ago, and we'll keep moving forward. Even if it gets a little harder for a while.


Thank you for caring enough to read these, and please consider similar questions and concerns for other groups I can't as readily speak to. A lot of people are scared or sad or angry right now, and for good reasons, but an actively compassionate community can go a long way to help.